Sorry Lance, but if anything has been foremost on my mind for this whole journey it's been getting back on my bike and getting back in shape. Under "interests" on any forum I could write "bicycle" and stop. Unless I got out the modifiers and then it's mountain biking, road biking, tandem, fixed gear ...
When I started treatment I was out the day after proving I could still do it. I'd go out for an hour and a half and pay for it, then have my doctor look at me cross eyed as I tried to convince here "That IS taking it easy for me." When I was in the middle of treatment I would wait for the day when I felt good enough to do some kind of ride. Sometimes I went out a bit early and felt like I had no gas, only to find myself enjoying the summer day nonetheless as I finished up. Near the end of chemo I stayed off the bike for 3 weeks while battling a bad case of hemoroids. When I got back on I'd debate each turn wondering if it would take me to a point at which exhaustion would overtake my modest effort.
After chemo was over I had a month of "free time." I rode to the subway to get to work, bemoaned the sunny weekend days I couldn't make a ride for logisical or lazyness reasons, and got thinking on my next purchase.
Now that I'm on radiation for the month, the riding is getting curtailed again. I started to get that sort of stir crazy/funk mood that comes when I don't have regular riding time. Today when I got home (late) I quickly set up the trainer and did about 35 minutes of work. I see my teammates posting rides and long to join them. I have visions of myself charging on, when the reality is I'll be lucky to hang on. I worry about my December "fitness setback" as I dutifully drive down to the hospital for 5 minutes of radiation therapy each day. I see pictures of folks riding to work in the city and I'm jealous of them. I worry about finding the motivation come January to ride regularly enough to have a good fitness base by April.
I hope like hell I'll find the joy in the future I've found on the past when every ride was something to look forward in the beginning to and be proud of in the end.